Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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