it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
