we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
