Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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