90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Randomize
