My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
