Apparently you make a good broom.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Randomize
