dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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