Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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