Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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