Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
