You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
