i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
