My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
