I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
