It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
