just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
40s are totally the cure
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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