woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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