just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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