Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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