fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize