Im at strip club and am horny
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
