Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
