I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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