Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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