I showed him my bush... on skype.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
