I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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