Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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