Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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