I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
