mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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