Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
