your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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