we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize