Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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