if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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