im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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