Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
