We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
