Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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