You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
