i think my tv is drunk
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
