I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
