The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
