Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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