I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
