Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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