Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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