Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize