i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
