i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
