Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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