Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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