Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
