There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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