is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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