he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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