I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
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