I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
