i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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