Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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