Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
