Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
