omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
