onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
