We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
