Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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