i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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